Life Without Counting Calories

This is always really hard for me to talk so publicly about, I’ve honestly had the hardest time pressing the post button, but I think that it can help shed light on just how worth recovery is fighting for. There is happiness, there is joy, there is so much more to life without Ed.

When I was living life with “Ed” (what I call my eating disorder) my life was consumed by calories.  I was imprisoned by counting calories, carbs, and sugars each and every day. As long as I knew exactly how many calories I was consuming and could track it on my fitness app, I was in control. Or so I thought.

If I didn’t know how many calories were in something, I couldn’t eat it.  If I did, I would measure everything to a T and add it up on my app. Even if I measured everything right down to a half a teaspoon, my mind would be running wild with an uncontrollable anxiety tearing myself apart. What if I ate more calories than I thought? How will I know? I would go around and around in my head all day, angry, anxious, upset, and completely consumed with Ed.

See this smoothie bowl? Looks healthy, right? The thing is, healthy was never enough for me. I would have never been able to eat this because I would drive myself crazy tearing myself apart because I wouldn’t know how many calories were in it.

 

Life without Ed: I made this bowl without measuring, without counting, without obsessing, and I enjoyed the burst of energy I felt after nourishing my body. I threw it together and didn’t even think twice about it.

Living with Ed, I would never be able to just throw something together and take comfort in the fact that it is healthy and nutritious. Ed is insatiable and relentless.  It never rests, and it will never let your mind rest. As crazy as it sounds, I would have never in a million years dreamed of eating something like this because I would have lost control.  I had to know exactly what I was eating, I had to calculate, I had to restrict, I had to measure. I don’t know where these rules came from, but I followed them like the law. I had to.

By doing all of those things, by measuring, by calculating, I thought I was in control, but I wasn’t. I was so beyond out of control. I was at the mercy of Ed’s commands and rules that defined every minute of every day. I can’t explain what it’s like to be free. Others may look at these pictures and see a healthy smoothie bowl (it is) but if I was still living life with Ed, I would never let myself enjoy this healthy meal. Ever. I had my comfort foods that I knew the exact amount of calories were in each one, and that was it. Now, I don’t count, I don’t measure, and more importantly, I don’t tear myself apart wondering how many calories I consumed. I am free.

 

I don’t know how many calories are in any of the meals pictured. I didn’t measure a single thing while preparing any of the food, and I never tore myself apart falling to Ed’s insatiable demands. I am not a prisoner to Ed anymore. I have peace of mind. I have happiness.

I am free.

If you, or anyone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, message me at thegoldenwave.blog@gmail.com I would love to talk about it and help you in any way that I can.

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Just a 23 year old recent college graduate who is totally okay with not knowing what's next. Adventurer, wanderer, and dreamer but hopefully in the most non cliche way. Happiest by the ocean.

6 thoughts on “Life Without Counting Calories

  1. I love this! I struggled with this a lot during my first few years of recovery and unfortunately it has been trying to creep its way back in lately! I don’t measure anything and I TRY to never look at the calorie content of my foods. I have just been trying to eat intuitively (which feels impossible sometimes) and fill my body with fresh, natural food. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us; your bravery doesn’t go unnoticed! xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing YOUR story! YOUR bravery doesn’t go unnoticed and you are such a beautiful freakin’ soul, girl! Recovery is so difficult, I completely understand. I’m so proud of you for not measuring and trying to eat intuitively.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my goodness. This post really touches my heart and hits me hard because I relate to it so much. My story is so similar to yours… I went through the same struggles. I was consumed and obsessed, and in denial that my obsessive tracking was abnormal. Looking back now, it’s so hard for me to even think about those times. It hurts my heart to remember the pain I went through, the things I missed out on and people I hurt because of my ed. I’m forever thankful to have recovered and be able to live my life free of numbers. Food is such a beautiful and nourishing gift. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so sorry you went through that too, but it is so comforting to know that someone can relate to my story and understand how much of a blessing recovery is ❤️ email me anytime girl! You’re a beautiful soul!! 💛💛💛💛

      Liked by 1 person

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