Maine is for the foodies, I swear! We’re pretty famous for our lobster rolls, so I had to go all basic this weekend and get one! No regrets here. This is the first summer that I have let myself enjoy food. In the past living with an eating disorder, my anxiety was at an all time high in preparation for “bikini season.” I was so beyond strict with myself and that is a huge understatement.
I was terrified of tacos, fries, bread, mayo, and beer. No joke, these meals would have sent me into a full blown anxiety attack. It sounds silly from the outside looking in, but when you’re living with an eating disorder, that’s your life, it’s every second of every day. As crazy as it sounds to you, this is a big deal for me. To face my fear foods and to overcome the guilt after is a huge accomplishment after recovering from depriving myself for years. Its a day by day thing. Sometimes there’s that small nagging voice in the back of my mind as I eat something that’s “bad” but I am able to rise above it, which is something I was never able to do. Recovering from an eating disorder is one of the absolute HARDEST things anyone could go through, but I’m proud of myself and everyone else who has made it through. If you had told me 2 years ago that I could order a beer and eat a meal with fries, I would have never believed you. I wouldn’t even be able to fathom it.
It’s still a little stressful going out to eat for me. I’ll go to order a salad and people will poke fun and pressure me to get something else, and for a split second I rack my brain trying to estimate the amount of calories I’ve consumed for the day, but then I stop myself. I have realized that I have to focus on the experience and the moments of the day, not my caloric intake. If you let food keep you from the good times, you will regret it. I promised myself that I would stop ruining my days by beating myself up over the number on the scale, and in actually following through with it
I am finally free.
Many of you may not understand the feeling of being helplessly imprisoned by food, shackled to your comfort food, but for those who can understand, for those who have been there or are maybe still there, listen to me when I say: enjoy food. Stop punishing yourself, stop beating yourself up, stop letting it consume every single day. Treat yourself, experience moments and places to the fullest.
Set yourself free.
This may not look like much to you, but to me, this is everything that I used to fear, and everything that used to rule my world.
Where: Chase’s Family Restaurant, Maine
Where: The Great Lost Bear, Portland, ME