First of all, let me say that it is so beyond nerve racking for me to share this part of my life because it is very personal and it isn’t something that I’m proud of. With time, I have realized throughout my journey that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I believe that I went through that battle for a reason, and that was to help others with my story. To be a fighter and to make it through, so that I can be a voice and advocate to pull others out of the dark hole that is life with an eating disorder (Ed).
This is my story.
In the picture on the top, I was 86 pounds, give or take. It’s super hard for me to share pictures of myself like that, but there is nothing glamourous about an eating disorder.
I would keep track of everything I ate (even a teaspoon of something) on the “My Fitness Pal” app. I was obsessed with it. My whole day revolved around numbers: calories, carbs, sugars, and the number that appeared on the scale. I hated body no matter what.
I was never satisfied.
At first, I just wanted to lose 5 pounds. Then, somehow I spiraled out of control and had lost 20 in a very short time, and it still wasn’t enough. I was still terrified to gain weight, but hated how people looked at me, asking if I was sick, asking if I was okay, asking what was going on…
How did I get there?
It came from resenting my curves. I hated my body with a passion. I was constantly at war with the mirror. I wanted to be “skinny” so badly, that I couldn’t differentiate from being “fat” and having curves. I was never fat, but in my mind, I was never good enough. I was never content.
One day, I woke up, and I didn’t want to measure my food. I didn’t want to live in such darkness anymore. I didn’t want to run on the treadmill until I burned 1,000 calories. I wanted to live a normal life, and I was too tired to carry that burden every day.
I fought like hell. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t a quick fix. I never thought I would get better, but here I am, 3 years later, happy, healthy, and Hayley. By that, I mean that I am back to who I really am and more importantly, have become a stronger, happier, and better version of myself.
I am a firm believer that people go through hell and survive to save others from taking that road. Think of this as a GPS personalized with my voice: “Hey you, do not take that path, no bueno, treacherous, shitty conditions, road is rough, make a legal u-turn and re route…”
I don’t like to focus on the dark times, instead, I want my full recovery and the happiness I have found to inspire those out there who don’t believe in finding that again. I was that girl. and here is this burger:
I’m by no means bragging in a “look at me my life is awesome” way, I just want to encourage everyone to fight this so that one day, you can look at your fear food right in the face and conquer it. I was the girl who was scared of more than a half a tablespoon of peanut butter, mind you. It may not look like it to you, but this burger would have legitimately sent me into a full blown anxiety attack three years ago. I would have never even dreamed of eating it. I am so proud of myself for how far I have come, and for anyone who is out there facing their fears head on.
Go you, you incredibly strong and beautiful bad asses.
I want to save as many people as I can from ever living in such darkness. I will forever fight for this cause, I will always make it my mission to help people through this horrible disorder. Let’s end the stigma. It doesn’t mean that you’re messed up, it means that you suffer from a very common problem, and you are not alone. You will recover, you will find happiness again, you will see a life past your eating disorder.
If you suffer from an Eating Disorder, or know someone who is, together, we will kick ED’s ass.
For more information, or for anyone seeking help please contact me personally at thegoldenwave.blog